On my Facebook fan page I recently shared a photo of rock climber over a deep chasm. It said, "The cave you fear to enter, holds the treasure you seek." This resonated deeply with me.
My biggest fear of sending my writing off to the world to read and judge is not that my writing is bad - there are successful writers of all grammatical skill levels - but what people I know will think of me when they see what I put in my books.
I've never been one to care a whole lot about what others think of me. Unless their opinions effect my ability to do something I feel I need to do, it just doesn't matter to me. I don't like everyone I know and I don't expect everyone to like me, but there is something raw and soul bearing about putting things into words and leaving it out there for the world.
I've had a rough life at times. I've been through some disastrous things that I'm not very open about. Large portions of my life my family is completely unaware of. By and large I plan to keep it that way. That being said it is inevitable that pieces of those things make their way into my books completely without permission. Sometimes I'll go back and read something thinking I've written a fictional account of something that happens to other people, only to find I wrote my own soul.
The truth is that while I have not experienced exactly what my characters have there is enough similarity that I would not have been able to write as deeply as I did if it were truly fictional. If you've read Silent Heart or will read Under A Twisted Moon, you can see where there are some things I don't really want to tell my Mom and Dad about. I don't want to see how it effects them.
My Step-Mother, who has been very supportive of me in my adult life was the first person to buy and read my book. She hasn't told me if she likes it or not. While I have lived my life wanting to please anyone in my family - come on now, bi-sexual, pagan, single mom before I met my husband? - her regard means something to me. Secretly I wonder if she hasn't said anything because she's wondering how much of my book comes from truth and what to say about that.
So many questions. So many worries. Putting something so close to your heart out there is never an easy thing. Silent Heart stayed on my hard drive for a year before I got the courage. I'm happy that I did finally publish it but all those wonders and worries are still there. I don't think they'll ever go away. Under A Twisted Moon is every bit as graphic as Silent Heart, but for reasons I'm not ready to admit it will prove harder to put out into the world.
Susan is a writer and artist by day, a child and pet wrangler by night, and occasional crazy person on the weekends. She walks the path of a Siedr and strives to grow day by day.