My son is 17 today. One hell of a wild ride and a year to go before he's on his own. I don't know whether I should be relieved or scared. Probably both. For this week's #WednesdayWritings I submit to you Cry. A poem about motherhood.
Cry A baby cries Nothing fills me with more fear Am i good enough? Will he know me? Am I up to this? 280 days of insecurity led to this 6720 hours of thinking and rethinking my choice My desire for motherhood Making a choice to try 403200 minutes of breathing for another Listening to frightening advice Feeling the naysayers tell me This wasn’t right Deflecting badly the 1001 pages thoughts expressions telling me everything from lanolin for tender suckling to poisoned needles will make him sick 280 nights of worrying myself to sleep A baby cries Nothing fills me with more relief I did it! My body did this! This being. He lived Through 6720 hours of his mother Worrying Through doctors taking my choices away And cutting him out His beautiful face Covered in the substance That kept him alive all this time Red skin and dark hair I was made for this I was created with organs That held him close I live in a world where science Can create those organs for others All this So that I could love him So that he could grow up knowing love A million tiny movements Inside of me And I meet him face to face A baby cries Exhaustion covers the worry Is he hungry? Is he scared? Is he sick? Do I need a doctor? Does he have a rash? Will it get worse because I didn’t see it in time? Don’t overfeed Don’t underfeed Use diaper rash ointment every time Never use talc Don’t eat spicy food Did I eat something spicy today? Is that why he’s crying? A baby cries Blinking sleep from my eyes I hold him close The routine takes thought away Food Diaper Burp Cuddles Endless nights rocking in place No rocking chair in sight Taught me it’s easier To just lay side by side Ignoring a thousand complaints A thousand what if’s Naysayers using it as explanation For my bad parenting For every time my son cries His little baby cheek rests on my breast Warm body tucked in next to mine And I know I made the right choice Tonight And all those nights ago When I chose love A baby cries He cries and cries and cries No end in sight No breast No bottle No diaper No toy No sound No love No touch Makes one bit of difference They’re all right about me I can’t do this I’m not a good mom Why won’t he stop? It’s all the spicy food I like It’s the formula He’s allergic breast milk He’s allergic to peas Too much sun Too little fresh air Everyone has an answer That tells me I’m doing this wrong But not one of them Can make him stop Make him sleep A baby cries For hours everyday I’m a mess I just want someone to hold me Love me Tell me it will be okay That’s all he wants This being with my son’s face Crying I rock him through Singing to drown it out Never giving up Strength I never knew I had Showing this tiny person Love One day When the nightmares are too scary When the bully pushes him down He’ll know I love him He’ll know he can come to me You cry little boy You cry for however long it takes I’m here We’ll cry together I’m your mom I love you A baby cries Stretching his little baby legs Urge to move and explore Pulling him farther and farther From my protection What will he put in his mouth? What will he touch? Should I be keeping closer watch? Should I spank? Should I shout? Should I laugh? Should I pen him in to a tiny space Or leash him to my wrist? Should I let him find out Things hurt Or protect from every last lesson The world has to offer? I am not up to this Moving about thing Why can’t you just smile From your carseat And bat at toys I dangle? Oh no No! No that! Don’t put that-- Ugh --in your mouth Well no wonder the tears Stream down your face That should never be in your mouth I’m a horrible mother And the questions About my ability And sanity begin A baby cries Weary I shake my head And hold him close Cleaning the mess And stains He looks to me Like I have all the answers Like I can make any booboo better For a moment I think I can There will be a day When love is no longer enough To heal the hurts of the world But that day is not today He moves He’s a baby Nothing is safe from A marauding mind And flailing arms and legs And today a lesson was learned He’s alive He smiles reaching For the next NoNo I seem to have forgotten to move Laughter And fearlessness He knows I will catch him Every single time I know I’ve done everything right A baby cries This one is not mine But I know how old I know what it wants Just by sound I didn’t know I had a super power Given to me by my son Instinct drives me to tell This hollow eyed woman Fear and exhaustion in her gaze What the baby needs But I only smile Remembering all the advice All the times I thought I wasn’t good enough And I know my words are not what she needs Eventually she’ll find the love She’ll know She’s strong enough Good enough A mom A baby cries A little girl While her brother watches on Nothing fills me with more fear Nothing fills me with more relief Nothing fills me with more Love
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Susan SimoneSusan is a plural writer and artist by day, a child and pet wrangler by night, and occasional crazy person on the weekends. Archives
April 2020
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