I’m sad. Not depressed in a clinical sense. I’ve been there before. I know what that feels like. This isn’t it. I’m just...unhappy. I have things to be happy about. I am in no way destitute, but I am still unhappy with life in general. I haven’t reached the pinnacle, though in many ways I’m much closer than most realize. As I look around at the landscape I realize this wasn’t the mountain I wanted to climb. It was so hard to tell down there at the bottom which one I had started on, and the crossroads were all blind instinct. Now, after all that work, I’m not where I wanted go or even on that path. There is nothing wrong with where I ended up. In fact some seem to be impressed by it. How do I explain that yes, there is some notoriety here, but I wanted the notoriety over there instead. It’s like shooting the hat off a person when you were aiming for the apple. Yeah it was a cool shot, but not what you wanted. Some people find themselves in this situation, and happily surprised, just keep going. There are those that the question of which mountain they are on never mattered as long as they had something to reach for. There are those that any success acted as personal empowerment and they gladly set on that mountain path headless of the rocks. In fact those persons seem to be able to leap over chasms and move boulders. We look at them as shining examples. I am not in competition with anyone so I am happy for their success. I was not meant for mountain climbing I’m not made for that kind of life. Success to me is far less tangible. All those plateaus and peaks and crags and valleys are fun and interesting, but not meant for me. I’ve always rejected the rat race. I reject the idea that I have to reach for anything at all. I challenge the need to have a traditional job, or parent like our society says, or live my life by any standard. I fully resent money. I resent the need to earn by someone else’s standard in order just to live. Why can’t I barter for food? Why can’t I make my own shelter? Why must I live life in this way? I can fool myself, by finding something semi interesting to do for a time, into thinking that I can live by these means. I excel most of them time when I set my mind to it. I’ve even made a name for myself in certain circles, for what it’s worth. In the end, though, I always end up feeling dissatisfied. I have a deep need to live life unfettered. I hate being tied down by anything. Some ties I choose, like my children and lovers, but my lovers know never to hold me back, and my children will one day fly on their own. While I love animals of all kinds I don’t own many pets, other than cats, because I can’t just up and go when I want to. Cats can handle a night or two without you as long as there’s ample food and water. My dream is to live out of a mobile home so I can pick up and go whenever. Once we almost did just that with plans on homeschooling the kids, but we didn’t get the financing in the end. I’m tired of trying. I concede the need for gainful employment and income so we don’t starve, but I’m going to do it my way. The truth is while my body *does* make working from home a need, I’d choose it anyway. I’m going to learn what I want to learn. I’m going to write what I want to write. I’m going to do my weird crafts. I’m going to do the things that nourish my soul even if that means I’m a large woman belly dancing in the living room. If it doesn’t nourish me, it’s gone. There will be some changes. Some will not agree with my choices and some may even be hurt by them. I’m done trying to make my soul fit in a box. I’m done making the mountain top my only goal. I don’t feel good labelling myself or closing myself into a space. Some really need that to feel safe and to grow. There’s nothing wrong with it. Just not for me. I am expansive. I am limitless. I am more than the surface you see. I am adrift in the All That Is, and I go where I am willed.
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![]() This is the last of my Yahoo! stuff. One of my very few forays into poetry. Dancing in the Moonlight I dreamed I was dancing in the moonlight On a forest shrowded hill. The wind swirled around my naked body Alighting every nerve with the earth's will. I looked out over the world The magic coloring my sight And I knew in my very heart of hearts That this was the night. The earth balanced on the precipice Of time changing time The stars and planets swirled into infinity In a perfect straight line. And all around me the forest hushed Pregnant with sorrow, fear, joy The unknown Our little planet insignificant and bold Hurtling wildly through space Moved another inch, and then two And then we were prone. I stood at the very axis of the change Feeling the power shoot straight through me Taking away my body and my soul But in a tiny little part No more than a spec I was still me Watching the world Become whole. I saw futures that would never be born I saw pasts that were wiped from memory I saw the coliding of realities The wars and the harmonies Of all that has been and all that never will be It was time. The universe plucked my soul like a musical string. I could not be sorrowful For the world that would be lost I could not be excited For the world this would bring. It was time. My existence sweeped out over infinity And strangely there was no time left. The universe called And only I was left. The traveler, the shaman The carrier of the mysteries. The witch With a giant heave I was scarcely strong enough to hold I pulled myself back in To one single existence, One single vessel One single home. A planet hurtling wildly through space Insignificant and bold The cord to infinity snapped The sound whipcracking through existence To be heard by all But those whose hearts it was supposed to change The universe held it's breath Then the earth moved An inch and then two The connection was broken The change begun The world made new. I walked on wobbly legs And slipped through the trees Back to my bed Followed by a moonlit breeze The people watched the sky Finally feeling what they had missed But the time was past The future of our world shapped by the will Of a single solitary witch I returned to my home and my bed Covered myself up in the night And dreamed of dancing In the full moonlight |
Susan SimoneSusan is a plural writer and artist by day, a child and pet wrangler by night, and occasional crazy person on the weekends. Archives
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