If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm really into horoscopes and tarot cards and all that fun stuff. This is primarily because I'm pagan. These types of divination are part of my faith. That being said I only half listen to them. They are a way to look at the world and my circumstances from a different point of view, sometimes fun, sometimes wrong, but just a different angle. When I'm in the mood I can delve deep into tarot readings but I still don't expect 3 swords to come and pin me down or to be strung up in a tree like the hanged man. These things aren't literal.
Where was I going? Oh yes. Don't worry I did have a point.
Today's tarot card was crossroads. When reading tarot the information is rarely in the title of the card, its usually in the details of the picture. I didn't look too closely and just sort of had the word crossroads on my mind as I went about the day wondering what choice I would be posed with. Several minor things came up, to cut a 9yr old girl's hair or not (I cut, it's cute), to think about being a pure romance consultant or not (I suck at sales, either you want it or not), etc. Just little things that could turn big in time. In the very back of my head was writing. Determined to keep on this path I didn't really let the thoughts flower.
Tonight when I got on here I found my first surprise review. I knew the first one was coming (it was a friend of a friend), but this was a stranger. Someone in no way connected to me. That is huge for the book only being out a little more than a week. She liked it. That meant more than I can say and I realized as I grinned and sent her a thank you note, that was the big question.
It's hard being a first time writer. It takes time, especially with no marketing budget to speak of, for your work to get into the hands of readers and generate interest. You lose your wind very fast after the first push to say "Yay! I'm published!" It can be lonely and disheartening. Worst of all after you've told everyone in your life, you're afraid to talk about it. They already know, and to keep talking about it just makes you look self centered. It doesn't matter this is your dream.
As I've said in other blogs I never needed much encouragement. This one random review answered the question of the crossroads and sent me firmly down this path that I desperately want to be worthy of
I never needed much encouragement. My books sat on my hard drive, 2 dozen or more in various stages of development, for years. Under threat of fear and rejection I left them there, quietly growing on their own when I had time to play around with the lives secretly inside my head.
I still don't know what got into me. One night I did some research and found a publisher. I submitted my most finished and ready work and about had a heart attack. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for them to tell me thanks but this sucks! It didn't happen and now there's this book out there with my name and picture on it. I'm still in this stage of disbelief, but that was all the encouragement I needed.
I find myself wanting to dive headlong into my other books and finally finish and polish them, giving all these lives breath and air. But the universe has other ideas. When I'm finally ready to be who I know I am inside, an author, life has to intervene in a million little ways.
I used to have nothing but time on my hands, now I can't seem to get more than five minutes to myself. Even as I write this my kids have interrupted me five times with the quintessential he said she said arguments. Every day I think I have a few hours of quiet something comes up I have to go, and the kids come home and dinner has to be made, arguments dealt with, chores done, homework helped with, and then bedtime for them. By this point my brain is fried and if I get in the zone that allows my character's lives to continue I'll be up until 3am. Sometimes this is a worthy sacrifice when the writing is good. When it's crap I only suffer with no reward.
This crazy journey I'm on has really just begun and already I'm trying to carve out time to make it work. I find myself re-learning how to juggle while walking a tightrope. Of course being sick does not help my outlook. lol
My horoscope said that today I should share my dreams with anyone who will listen. This could go one of two ways. I could regale you all with tales of my enormously creative and downright demented dreams...or I could be nice and simply talk about my hopes. I'm feeling nice today (smile you know you want to).
I guess my big dreams is to be able to support my family without assistance by writing and creating art. Basically I want to be JK Rowling (I have so much respect for her what she has done withe her fame).
My little dream is to just be able to write and share my words with the world. I want a following of readers, and people to look forward to my next book (I do have 2 or 3 coming in a few months).
For the most part I very happy with where things are at the moment. I don't want to stay exactly here, but I'm in a good place ready to take the next step...ready to grow. I'm comfortable but not so comfortable I'm just going to stay here.
I guess that's my zen moment for the week. I've been so busy setting myself up for a future I desperately want but don't have just yet that I haven't thought too much about anything in particular. I'm just elated to be on this track at last. Took me 34 years to get here. I still feel a little silly writing these blogs like I'm some famous person or setting up a fan page. I have lots of friends but no fans yet.
However I feel it's important to remember that this is setting up the foundation for what I want my life to be. It's the law of attraction. We don't attract what we want, we attract what we are. If I act like the famous author I want to be the universe will deliver it. I have to have faith in that and be at peace feeling a little silly in the mean time.
A lot of firsts this week. My first book published, my first good reads page, my first facebook fan page--Adventures in Randomness--and now my first ever blog. I'll be honest. I have no idea what to put here. I'm so new to this I don't know what readers would want to hear from me, or even if they would want to hear from me at all. I would love to pick the brain of my favorite authors so I'm assuming (in my delusions of grandeur) that someone would want to pick my brain.
I feel a little like Anne of Green Gables. "If I had a memory book..." Then she ruminates on what would anyone else possibly want to hear about what goes on in her head. I kind of have to wonder the same thing.
A writer's brain, while a source of wonder to the uninitiated is often a scary place. Mine is a little more like the movie The Cell. All kinds of weird twists and turns, doors better left unopened, and grandiose ideas of my own ego...as well as all the characters I've ever conceived of talking at once. Some of them are talking at me yelling at me to tell their side of the story, others are just going through their lives while I record.
Don't let any author fool you. We are simply slightly abnormal people who enjoy words. The characters are the artists. They write their own tale and rely on us to get it right. We are often more afraid of our own brains than anything else this world has to offer.
Susan is a writer and artist by day, a child and pet wrangler by night, and occasional crazy person on the weekends. She walks the path of a Siedr and strives to grow day by day.