Cry

My son is 17 today. One hell of a wild ride and a year to go before he's on his own.  I don't know whether I should be relieved or scared. Probably both. For this week's #WednesdayWritings I submit to you Cry. A poem about motherhood.

Cry
 
A baby cries
Nothing fills me with more fear
Am i good enough?
Will he know me?
Am I up to this?
280 days of insecurity led to this
6720 hours of thinking and rethinking my choice
My desire for motherhood
Making a choice to try
403200 minutes of breathing for another
Listening to frightening advice
Feeling the naysayers tell me
This wasn’t right
Deflecting badly the 1001
pages
thoughts
expressions
telling me everything from
lanolin for tender suckling
to poisoned needles will make him sick
280 nights of worrying myself to sleep
 
A baby cries
Nothing fills me with more relief
I did it!
My body did this!
This being.
He lived
Through 6720 hours of his mother
Worrying
Through doctors taking my choices away
And cutting him out
His beautiful face
Covered in the substance
That kept him alive all this time
Red skin and dark hair
I was made for this
I was created with organs
That held him close
I live in a world where science
Can create those organs for others
All this
So that I could love him
So that he could grow up knowing love
A million tiny movements
Inside of me
And I meet him face to face
 
A baby cries
Exhaustion covers the worry
Is he hungry?
Is he scared?
Is he sick?
Do I need a doctor?
Does he have a rash?
Will it get worse because I didn’t see it in time?
Don’t overfeed
Don’t underfeed
Use diaper rash ointment every time
Never use talc
Don’t eat spicy food
Did I eat something spicy today?
Is that why he’s crying?
 
A baby cries
Blinking sleep from my eyes
I hold him close
The routine takes thought away
Food
Diaper
Burp
Cuddles
Endless nights rocking in place
No rocking chair in sight
Taught me it’s easier
To just lay side by side
Ignoring a thousand complaints
A thousand what if’s
Naysayers using it as explanation
For my bad parenting
For every time my son cries
His little baby cheek rests on my breast
Warm body tucked in next to mine
And I know I made the right choice
Tonight
And all those nights ago
When I chose love
 
A baby cries
He cries and cries and cries
No end in sight
No breast
No bottle
No diaper
No toy
No sound
No love
No touch
Makes one bit of difference
They’re all right about me
I can’t do this
I’m not a good mom
Why won’t he stop?
It’s all the spicy food I like
It’s the formula
He’s allergic breast milk
He’s allergic to peas
Too much sun
Too little fresh air
Everyone has an answer
That tells me I’m doing this wrong
But not one of them
Can make him stop
Make him sleep
 
A baby cries
For hours everyday
I’m a mess
I just want someone to hold me
Love me
Tell me it will be okay
That’s all he wants
This being with my son’s face
Crying
I rock him through
Singing to drown it out
Never giving up
Strength I never knew I had
Showing this tiny person
Love
One day
When the nightmares are too scary
When the bully pushes him down
He’ll know I love him
He’ll know he can come to me
You cry little boy
You cry for however long it takes
I’m here
We’ll cry together
I’m your mom
I love you
 
A baby cries
Stretching his little baby legs
Urge to move and explore
Pulling him farther and farther
From my protection
What will he put in his mouth?
What will he touch?
Should I be keeping closer watch?
Should I spank?
Should I shout?
Should I laugh?
Should I pen him in to a tiny space
Or leash him to my wrist?
Should I let him find out
Things hurt
Or protect from every last lesson
The world has to offer?
I am not up to this
Moving about thing
Why can’t you just smile
From your carseat
And bat at toys I dangle?
Oh no
No!
No that!
Don’t put that--
Ugh
--in your mouth
Well no wonder the tears
Stream down your face
That should never be in your mouth
I’m a horrible mother
And the questions
About my ability
And sanity
begin
 
A baby cries
Weary I shake my head
And hold him close
Cleaning the mess
And stains
He looks to me
Like I have all the answers
Like I can make any booboo better
For a moment
I think I can
There will be a day
When love is no longer enough
To heal the hurts of the world
But that day is not today
He moves
He’s a baby
Nothing is safe from
A marauding mind
And flailing arms and legs
And today a lesson was learned
He’s alive
He smiles reaching
For the next NoNo
I seem to have forgotten to move
Laughter
And fearlessness
He knows I will catch him
Every single time
I know I’ve done everything right
 
A baby cries
This one is not mine
But I know how old
I know what it wants
Just by sound
I didn’t know I had a super power
Given to me by my son
Instinct drives me to tell
This hollow eyed woman
Fear and exhaustion in her gaze
What the baby needs
But I only smile
Remembering all the advice
All the times I thought I wasn’t good enough
And I know my words are not what she needs
Eventually she’ll find the love
She’ll know
She’s strong enough
Good enough
A mom
 
A baby cries
A little girl
While her brother watches on
Nothing fills me with more fear
Nothing fills me with more relief
Nothing fills me with more
Love